THE DEAD VOTERS SOCIETY

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The Dead Voters Society

Dear all, living and dead. The Dead Voters Society would like to clarify a few issues surrounding our eligibility to vote this March 8. There have been much insinuations that we were planted to vote for certain parties. While it is true that some of our names were registered on our behalf when we were frail (living) centenarians, many of us have since changed our stance.

Take member Arul Mohan, for example. He is still fuming that his great-great-grandson's fuming body was snatched while it was being cremated. Arul is now campaigning for change. He wants faster burners at crematoriums.

At our last annual general meeting, we discussed several dead-end issues. Our President and oldest member, Hang Tuah, again complained about blatant copyright infringements involving his rusty keris. Yet after 500 years, he admitted he hasn't register to vote. If you think political apathy affects only the living, you're dead wrong.

The most pressing issue for most of our Chinese members was the issue of surviving relatives offering expired China-luncheon-meat tins during last year's Hungry Ghost Festival.

One new member was upset about a guy stealing flowers from the graveyards to sell at Asian Heritage Row. Another member is campaigning to make it mandatory for funeral parlours to use only stylish SUVs as hearse. At the meeting in Nilai, not one member grumbled about the increasing cost of dying. You get the picture.

A skeletal group (pun unintended) did bring up a serious matter though. Some members who got together to catch Phantom of The Opera at Istana Budaya were horrified that the once dimly lit area is now fitted with an eye-blinding ferris wheel. Who the hell is the MP for that area?

Regarding contributions to campaign funds, we regret that our very well established 'Hell Bank Notes' are still not accepted as legal tender. Sorry. We don't have PayPal over here.

We would also like to take this opportunity to remind the living public not to use derogatory terms like 'yew kwai' or 'pontianak' to describe our members. Just like you, we take voting seriously.

AND, SPR don't give us that bullshit about indelible ink. What indelible ink? Our finger nails are either too long or have fallen off a long time ago. Besides, we are invisible to most people, remember? Duh!

While it may be true that we have the privilege of jumping queues, we do face certain hardships on Election Day. Firstly, why the hell is it conducted in the day time?

Secondly, since most of us are now staying quite far from the graves we were originally registered, we need to hitch rides to the polling stations. We are avoiding the express buses as many new members have had very nasty experience traveling in it.

With the never-ending delineation exercises, the Christian and Chinese cemeteries in the Loke Yew area are now separated; resulting in further polarization of the departed. Speaking of the picturesque Loke Yew cemetery, who the hell approved the building of a skyscraper there?

The Dead Voters Society
For Immediate Release - No Embargo